Understanding the Value of Time

 Dear Vee,

 This week has been a good week for me, and many exciting things have been happening around me. I am unsure if I posted it in the last post, but baby girl, you are finally sitting, and things are moving fast. This week I sat and stared at you and realized that even though I am trying to adjust to my new life, being a mom, time does not stop with me. I am so used to planning things out and analyzing different things in my life that I forget the time that I sit planning is time that I am wasting seeing you grow and blossom into the little girl you are growing to be. Your personality is starting to show, and your smile is getting brighter. Soon you are going to crawl and walk. I don't think I am ready for that, but it's not my choice. Just because I want time to stop does not mean it will stop. We will have to adjust to what we have going on. This week Vee, I have been struggling with the concept of wanting something and waiting for something to happen but not realizing that what I want is not necessarily what I need.

 When I was 16, I thought I wanted to get pregnant and have a child with my ex. He does not know that, but I felt I was ready for a family to love and cherish. I wanted to push and do different things that my parents did not do with me. I always tried to imagine my life as different from what I was living. When I started doing a few things independently, I realized that life is not really what it should be. Throughout this past decade, I have been craving love, attention, and acceptance. I don't know where I will find it and who will satisfy those cravings, but I have wanted to do so much in life that I push and fight for what I believe I want. I am moving through life trying and praying for my next goal: forgetting to enjoy the present time. I am now 28 with a beautiful baby girl, and I cannot imagine life without her now, but I feel like I took many things for granted throughout the process.

 One of the biggest struggles I am currently struggling with is holding on and fighting for something I always wanted and not letting myself believe when it is time to let go. There will be a lot of battles in life that are worth fighting for, and there will be some that are not worth entertaining. The biggest issue is knowing the difference between the two. I have difficulty letting go of things and people that are not worth fighting for. To this day, I do not know the difference, and I often find myself fighting battles that are not worth fighting in the first place. One thing I could say is that I do not regret any of my struggles. I feel like each of them broke me into the person I needed to be. 

 A few years ago, I fell for this guy who had me throw away everything I deserved to satisfy him. I was craving something from him, so I thought if I could keep hanging on, my craving would be satisfied. In reality, that person I was hoping would satisfy my craving was taking away the little bit of food I had left to help me fight my battle. It did not matter how stupid I looked or how bad things seemed; I only wanted the idea of what he will never be able to provide me. While going through that, I let myself lose my self-respect and self-esteem. I was homeless with no integrity. Everything I fought to become was almost destroyed by a never meant to be. I am glad it did not go as long as I expected, but to this day, I am mad that I let myself go through it. I always promised never to be that girl who would let a guy manipulate her into changing. After getting out of that toxic relationship, I vowed that I would never let a man ever manipulate my feelings like that, not realizing that I was letting one mistake block every blessing that came my way. I am unsure of the exact answer on what to do, but the only thing I know and understand is that some battles will make you know who you are, and some actions will destroy the strength to continue. 

I've learned that you could not face each adversity the same, just like you can't keep bringing the same story to the next chapter. Time does not stop for anyone, which means that whether you like it or not when it's time to change the page, that same strength you are using to fight that battle is the same strength you have to use to build yourself back up.