The strength that keeps getting awarded

 Dear Vee, 

When you start reading this, I hope it helps you overcome any obstacles you may be going through. I wish my grandma had one of these. Every time she comes into town, I ask her so many questions. Sometimes she looks at me and thinks I am crazy, but sometimes I wish to tell her how much I admire her. My grandma has done so much, from cooking, cleaning and raising seven beautiful kids. My grandma would hide her weakness to make sure everyone was ok. Every day I pray that I am half the woman that she is. I want to build a legacy where one day, I can sit back and say all my tears and hard work have paid off. 

I was having a conversation the other day, and I was telling her everything I was doing, and she told me that I needed to slow down and enjoy life. I told her I was enjoying life, but there was so much I needed to accomplish for Viliana to get everything she deserved. I tried to explain that this was not how I wanted this to turn out. I fought to do everything right so you would never see your mom cry. I went to therapy to get through my childhood hurt. I went to college and got a degree to open all the doors that were closed for my parents and have enough to give you all I didn't have. I didn't want to be the mom that always worked to make ends meet. I wanted to have ends meet before you came, but you came just in time. Some days I am lost, but on some days, I look up and thank God for everything. My tears have been my strength, my worries have become my motivation, and my confusion has brought me closer to God. If certain things did not happen in my life, I would not have been where I am now. 

So let me tell you about yourself. Since your daycare changed your class these past few months, you stopped crying when I dropped you off. Trust me, my love, you used to scream when I dropped you off, and I already knew it was because that class was not what you needed. I used to get in my car and cry straight to work. If life were how I wanted it, I would have packed everything and just gone home with you to watch Kajou Lakay, but it wasn't. I had to be in the office for a meeting. I had to work to ensure we had what we needed. I had to shake the tears and use the strength of knowing that it would get better to go to work. Eventually, you moved up, and your teacher and class were excellent. You smile and tell mommy I love you every morning. Sometimes that's all the motivation I needed. Lately, when I pick you up, your classmates hug you. Some of these are coming from little boys. The Haitian in me wants to say, "ou getan nan gason" You're already into boys, but the other part of me feels like you have picked up your mom and grandma's special gift. You enter the room, and the kids light up and scream Vee. I pray that your energy stays positive and see the world as a loving thing no matter how crazy things may be. 

Seeing you reminds me of how innocent things used to be and how life makes us forget that happiness, the fun, the awards, and the excitement. I helped host a Gala this past weekend, and seeing what everyone has done to put the Gala together has put a sense of push in my life. Before the Gala, I was going through it. I prayed and asked God if I should stay home, but every time I got to a bump, he smoothly got me through it. Finally, when I got to the Gala towards the end, the directors of the Gala gave me an award. My heart sank when Jhon called my name. I wanted to cry and hug every one of them because not only did that award help me understand that God has not let me down, but he said, please don't give up. I held on to that award the whole ride home because it was all the strength I didn't think I needed. Sometimes we question everything that is going on and feel stuck, but in reality, God rewards us with everything we didn't think we deserved. Life will always have its ups and downs, but the real accomplishment is not staying down and understanding that every day and every obstacle you make is your award and your trophy for not giving up. 

Love, 

The strength that keeps getting awarded