Acknowledging the word Peace

Dear Vee,

     This week I have finally closed a chapter in our life that I hope it is the end for both of us. I say us because I realized that whatever decision I make in my life will affect you in some way or the other. If I am broke, you are broke. If a man wants to be in my life, then I have to make sure he is ready for the responsibility of going through this journey with me. The life of carelessness that I used to live is no longer an option. Since the day I found out I was having you, I came to acknowledge that you are here for a reason. If God was able to provide me with you, then he will provide me with everything I need to keep raising you. I am happy to say that things have been moving smoother then I expected since you were born. When I was pregnant, Vee, I drove many people crazy, and deep in the back of my mind, I did not want to accept the fact that I was having you. Til this day, every time I look at you and see you cry, laugh, and fuss, I keep wondering what did I do to deserve such a fantastic human being like you. People used to tell me to never look at it as something that I do not deserve but look at it as the blessing to what you have been fighting for. As you grow up, you will understand that some of these things are easier said than done, but I pray that I always look at the brighter side of this journey. While pregnant, I thought the support system that God provided me would soon fade away. I am grateful that a great majority of them have stuck by my side. 

    When I was pregnant, I had everything I needed and not everything I thought I wanted. I thought the idea of raising you would be with two people that cherish you, but I came to realize that it does take a village. The village that God has blessed me with will continue to love you, and I can see it in every single one of their eyes. I thought many of them would disappear, and I would be alone in the process, but they have stuck through all my mood swings, cries, and heartache. Vee, you are a little girl who has come to this world with a support system that I pray no matter how tough life gets, they stay by your side and guide you through this journey. As long as you have them, you will not long for anything materialistic or idealistic. I hope I can help you appreciate everyone that comes into your life, the good and the bad. There are a few people that will come to teach you a lesson, and the ones who are only here for a seasonal time period. I do not want you to ever hold anger in your heart for anyone but thank them for the growth they helped you achieve because one thing that I always prayed for is to be at peace.

    Peace has been a word that I kept crying out for. Vee, these last two years have been harsh. I cried so much, and I kept crying, telling myself that all I want is peace. I want to get off this crazy rollercoaster that refuses to slow down. People would often look at me like I am crazy because of how easy things seem to be put together for me. I did not see it as easy. In my mind, I was waiting for the day they would walk out of my life or the day my luck would somehow end. Vee, you are three months old, and I am still crying for peace. I want to be at peace with myself to understand that I did everything with pure intentions, and I did not block you from any opportunities. I believe that our weight is already heavy enough and our energy is a lot to carry. When it comes to unnecessary bad energy or dead weight, we have to acknowledge the strength to let it go because we cannot force something or someone to serve a purpose that they will never achieve. In life, people will disappoint you and not play the role you expected them to play but do not ever make the mistakes I made years ago. Do not keep them around hoping that their purpose or the expectation that you have for them will finally come around because a wise soul used to say that they will help push you flat on your face if you try to make them do something that they do not want to do or is capable of doing.

    Baby girl, I had to learn that your mom is a mighty woman and deserves nothing but the best. I had to learn to stop holding on to people and items that will never serve me any purpose. You can never force a person to play a role that was not in their heart to play since the beginning. Do not ever burn a bridge trying to cross over the water but take a step back and realize that the energy you were about to take to burn that bridge could help start building another bridge and that other bridge may serve you a bigger purpose. Eventually, if needed, you will cross over with no hard feelings but the peace of mind that you accomplished that, and anytime you walk in a room, you will not be in heartache to see that bridge. You will be at peace and think God for the strength to build your bridges with the right materials and not the forced materials. There will never be a path or an obstacle that falls in your lap that will not come with guidance and support. If you refuse to see it, you have dwelled on the negative too much, and whatever it is probably do not need your energy.

    This week I did something that has finally put me at peace. I was able to make a move for both you and me to help establish our next chapter. After making that decision and establishing that agreement, I looked at you and cried. I cried because you deserve so much more, and all I wanted was peace. I have been using this word so loosely that I forgot the meaning of the word. After making that move, I cried and went to sleep. That night I had a dream of someone looking down at me and saying that you are at peace. In the dream, I told them I am tired and wanted to close this door for good in order to build an empire with you. I wanted to stabilize the empire without any interruptions because it is not about my needs, it is about your happiness and your growth. I woke up with you crying. Once you settled down and went to sleep, I had another dream about someone else telling me that you are at peace.

    Many times in life, we keep searching for the very thing that is in front of us. This whole time I was looking for peace in the wrong direction. I was listening to everyone around me about making a phone call that would help guide us in the direction that we needed to be in. After making that call, I told my friends that I hope that my daughter and I can finally be at peace. I had to realize that even without that call, we were always at peace. I misunderstood the definition of peace and realized that as long as my heart is pure, and I am here with no malicious attempt, peace has covered me with a blanket. I took the time to read the definition of peace, and everything that I thought I needed were wants. Everything that I thought I needed for you was what I wanted and not what God intended for you. When I woke up, I realized that the very thing that I was looking for was not something that was not already there but something that I was looking for in something or someone who may never give it to us. Peace can only be found within us, and with everything that I believe in, I pray that I continue keeping our peace at ease and not distract it with unnecessary force.

    After writing this post, I can honestly say that I am at peace. I have finally closed a door that God kept telling me to close and now its finally closed. I know now I am ready for the next adventure that he is about to take me on. So baby girl, do not ever look at what you do not have but always acknowledge what you do have and understand that at the time, it is all you need for this chapter. When the time is right, what you thought you were looking for will come more prominent and better. Find your peace within and know that you are the only one that controls your emotions. 

What is something that is happening in your life that is keeping you away from your peace? 

What are some techniques that you can put in place to help you balance life and not let your emotions overwhelm you?