Understanding What You Deserve

Dear Vee,

    It has been two weeks since I posted, and it's been tough. Last week God was able to bless me with another year of success, health, and growth. Once upon a time, I used to hate celebrating my birthday. I was always grateful for another year, but I always felt like bad things always happen on my birthday. One day I may get over it, but your mom is working on it as of right now. This year I had a very great birthday, and I was able to celebrate it with people near and dear to my heart. There were a few people missing, but I know that they will always be there in the spirit. Over the years, I have come to understand my circle of friends. I used to always want this person there and that person there but one day, you will wake up and realize that everything will never happen the way you want it. People will get hurt about some of your decisions and get disappointed about how you do things, but Vee, I want you to understand something that is taking your mom years to understand. Always understand what you deserve and your worth. I spent years accommodating to what people thought about me and the way I lived my life. I used to not want to do certain things because not everyone would be there or be happy for me.

I had to realize that my life belongs to me. Many of my battles are usually fought alone. In this post, I am going to open up to something that happened to me years ago. Through the years, I have gone through therapy, hoping to be healed, but I had to take a step back and realize that I was putting my happiness and healing in someone else's hand. You will learn from me as you grow because your mother's life is not based on the norm. My chapters are deep, and sometimes people may think I am making certain things up, but I had to learn that my testimony is not for everyone. Some will acknowledge it, and some will think I am seeking attention.

    I just want to let you know that when seeking attention or people underlying who you are, please don't let it affect your growth as a Haitian woman. I am 28 years old; throughout different chapters of my life, I have been forced with the reality of who I am placed forcefully in front of me. I said forcefully because sometimes I deny my true self because of people's opinions. The worst part about it is that it's always the people you expect to be the closest to you. The one who you have unwinded to and disclose yourself to is the one that hurt you the most. When I was 11 years old, I was sexually assaulted by someone I do not know wish to disclose. Eventually, not understanding my worth, this continued on for three years, which lead to rape. After years of fighting the actual fact that it occurred, I started to shut down at every situation that was here for me to fight. Fast forward years later, I fell victim again in 2014. I went through hell for those few years. I didn't trust anybody because of the thought of them accusing me of lying. The second time I became a survivor (I say survivor because I refuse to be anybody's victim), one of my close circles stated that I was lying because I refused to name the person who did it. That year I realized that even though it took years to disclose very important information, someone still accused me of lying. That caused me to go right to shut down mode. I ended up telling myself that if I can't have people who I can trust to be there for me, what else can I expect from life.

    In the year 2015, I started going in total, whatever mode. I stayed quiet and decided that certain things were not meant for. If I did not have love, then it was not meant for me. If I didn't have friends who would love me for me, it was not for me. If it was not everyone else story, then it was not important. I started fighting many of my battles in the dark alone because I did not think my voice mattered or deserved certain things. People would look at my smile and say she is so welcoming and happy. Life must be easy. Vee, my happy spirit took years of breaking to make it strong. It took years of being stabbed to make it worthwhile. It took years of crying and feeling like my story was not worth telling to understand that I need to take accountability for letting people control me as a robot. Years of shutting to understand that it does not matter what I do, society will always see the flaw I do daily. Some will read this post and think, "she is only speaking to get attention," or some will take my story out of context. This has always been a fear of mine, but I am tired of letting fear stop me from speaking my truth.  

    In 2019, yes, it took me years to start to acknowledge and understand what I deserve. All these years, I have been worried about what people think I deserve and not what Stephania truly deserves. A month ago, I was having a conversation with someone, and I told them that sometimes what we deserve might be right in front of us, but due to our lack of acceptance, we will let it past, thinking that this is way too good for me. I have been online looking at jobs and thinking that I don't meet their qualifications or refuse to talk to someone because I did not think I was good enough. Last year I was forced to change my mindset and acknowledge that it's not if I am qualified, but if the job is qualified for me and my expectations. It's not about me accommodating to the bullshit in my life but clearing it out to know that I deserve better. I deserve a genuine friendship that will not judge me. I deserve that relationship that will cherish me and blossom into the Haitian women I am becoming. This process will take years, but one thing I pray that I can teach you is that you humbly deserve the world, and you are the one in control of your destiny and emotions. Once you have accomplished that, then that smile you carry around so bright will continue to shine even after you close your door at night. Most of the things I write about are things that I continue to battle with, but your mom is getting there. Don't ever settle for less than you deserve and never downgrade your value for someone who has never walked a day in your shoes. Many people, jobs, and products will underestimate who you are, but only you who have the glass slipper will understand its importance and what it takes to walk in it daily. As I continue to grow and walk in my slippers, I hope to help you fit in yours comfortably without undermining your story.