Using your trial as your testimony

 Dear Vee,

   This week has been an okay week. I am just in a daze that you are finally four months old, and I feel like I have so much to tell you about life. I do want you to bear with me, my little one, and continue to be there with your beautiful smile and glistering eyes. This week, I want to tell you a story about a situation that happened to me a few years back. I want to help you understand how this particular situation helped change my perspective in life.
When you grow up, I pray that you grow up understanding that many of the things that you will be going through will eventually make you stronger. I know that you will not see it at the time, but when you get to the next chapter in life, you will use that same obstacle to help build you and smile through the storm.

Vee, your mom, grew up in a catholic church. I loved the church and the people I grew up with at the church, but I felt like I was always missing the pure understanding of God and Christianity. People used to say that you will be going through obstacles, and these obstacles will help build you, or "your trial will become your testimony." Vee, I used to hate hearing people say that, especially in the church I grew up in. I always felt like everyone from my priest to my youth group leaders were perfect. I felt like they were living a life with no problems. I was often scared to come to them with any issues because I did not want to be judged. It took me years to finally understand that everything was not perfect and that the saying "use your test as your testimony" was very real.

After graduating from High school, I started hearing and noticing the different obstacles people were going through, and my eyes opened up. I saw the world in another light. Instead of telling you, baby, everything will be okay I want you to be comfortable to understand that it is okay to come to me and know that I was far from being perfect. I will always listen to you to know that I am here to help you through this path called life, no matter how ugly it may look for both of us. So Vee, before I tell you this story, I want you to know that whatever test or obstacles that are set up to build you, I want to always continue holding your hand and helping you race through the storm. If one day you catch yourself in the storm by yourself, understand that you need to always keep fighting because, in the end, when you keep fighting, I will always be there with an umbrella in my hand and a smile on my face letting you know that you did it. You defeated this trial, and now it is your testimony.

September 13, 2011

I graduated in May 2011 from Riverdale High School in Fort Myers, FL. During my senior year of High school, I was going through a few situations at home that I will discuss with you later when I am a little bit more comfortable. Due to the problem at home, the only thing I wanted to do was move far away from home. I wanted to go to any University that would accept me. I applied to many different schools, but I had a few issues that kept me doubting my next step after High school. My test scores were not that high, and my GPA was not the best. Your mom was not the smartest cookie, but I still had big dreams. Graduation was getting closer and closer, and I was at a point where I just wanted to give up. I thought college was not for me.

I did not get as much scholarship, and I was broke with no car and no big support system. I cried for weeks during my last two quarters of my senior year. I always went to school super happy but fought the future in the dark. I was scared to open up to anyone about my school situation because everyone in the family thought Stephania was the smartest child who had everything going for herself. Can you imagine the unnecessary pressure that I was holding on my shoulder? No matter how bad I thought it was, I knew something would come my way after applying to as many schools that I could not afford. I used to tell everyone that I will never go to my community college. I did not want to stay in my hometown. I did not feel like I had anything for me there.

Long story short, I got accepted to a few schools, but as a backup plan, I applied to my community college. A few weeks later, one of my teachers handed me an application for a community college scholarship. I did not want to fill it out because that is not where I wanted to go. After a lot of back and forth, I finally submitted the scholarship application but missed the deadline. A few days after missing the deadline, I received a letter stating that the deadline was extended. I did not care, but I still submitted the scholarship. Weeks went by, and I finally got a letter stating that I received the full scholarship. I didn't even really care. I only wanted to make my way out of Fort Myers.

Welp things started going left with the other schools when it came to a job, the place to stay, etc. My best bet was to do my two years and leave when I was a little bit more stable. I started school that June and my older cousin helped me through most of the process. She was my guardian angel, and I will never be able to think her enough for everything that she did for me at the time. The scholarship that I received did a lot more than pay for my schooling. The program helped build my confidence and introduced me to many lifetime friends that I will always love and appreciate no matter how far we may get. They will always be my superheroes and my family. We will discuss the program later, but during the whole time I was meeting these new people, I still felt out of place, until September 13, 2011.

On this particular date, Vee, my perspective on what I want and what is destined for me, changed, and I understood that my trial will be my testimony. On that day, I had one class to attend, and I had to wait for my cousin, so I stayed in the HOPE scholarship office, passing the time. I did not have a laptop at home, so I tried to get all my work done. After a long day of trying to study, I decided to go for a walk on the other side of campus. I sat down on the outside bleachers, and this girl was sitting at the one across from me. She looked sad but really familiar. Something kept telling me to go say hi to her, but I kept stopping myself. I did not want to look like a weirdo. After a few minutes of playing on my really cheap metro phone, the girl got up. In the process of her getting up, she dropped a notebook. I called out to her, and she looked my way with very red puffy eyes. I approached her and picked up the notebook. I asked her if she would like to talk, and she said no. I continued to ask her what Biology class did she attend in High school because she looked familiar. She continued to say that we had more than one class together. I started joking about the teachers and got a smile from her. That conversation lasted longer than expected but it finally ended up with her opening her bag and handing me a bottle of pills and a knife. I looked at her, and she started crying. She told me her story and I told her mines, and I begged for her to seek help. I informed her that she was going through the very thing I went through, and it helped build me into who I am today. She was ashamed but eventually went and got help from the proper people at the school. We kept in contact until we both graduated, and I ended at USF and she went to FSU.

That day, I realized that you will always be there for a purpose no matter where you are in life. I fought through going to a school that I thought was not for me, but it was perfect for the woman I was becoming. Vee, when you grow up, I may say it a lot, and just like me, you may hate it, but I want you to always know that there is never a storm without a rainbow, and it is during that time that you will get a better understanding of your purpose. I am thankful for all my speed bumps, and I want you to see each obstacle as a weight that you have to lift to help build the muscles that will continue to keep you healthy.  

After that day, I came to the understanding that my trial will always be my testimony.