The past can never truly disappear

 Dear Vee, 

We are in the second month of 2021. Things have been improving and coming together. Last year I was a little lost about how things were going and how it will turn out this year with a pandemic still going on. Vee, after looking back at last year and trying to understand why things happened the way they did, I realized that 2020 was exactly how it needed to be. At the beginning of the year, last year, when everyone was doing vision board and churches were finding new themes for the year, everyone asked for the 2020 vision.

Later on, you will understand what the 2020 vision truly means. Your mom needs to go to the doctor's to get her eyes checked because I know for sure I do not have 2020 vision. I am not too fond of the thought of relying on glasses, but I digress. One of these days, I will walk in and get my eyes treated. Anyways 2020 vision is when you can see things clearly. This past year, I questioned many things that were going on, and I cried a lot last year, trying to see if I can redirect everything in my life. In reality, after completing 21 days of fasting, I got a better understanding of a few things in my life. 

During the month of August, one of the guys that I was in love with resurfaced. Years ago, when I first met him, I wanted to give up everything for him. I used to think that he was the one, but it was a fairytale created in my head. I thought I was madly in love with this one, but in fact, I was the only one in the fairytale by myself. Years after I moved to Tampa, this guy started to confess his love to me.

By the time he was ready for me, I had a clear vision of the future and my worth. This guy was not a bad guy, but he was not the king who was meant for your mom. His life goals did not align with mines anymore, and what I thought I wanted back then is not what I needed now. In life, sometimes you will fall for someone who you think will be your whole world, but in reality, they were only around for a season. In that season, I learned everything I needed to know. The next day I called my best friend, and he let me vent. In the process of venting, he asked me if I would get back with anybody in my past relationship. I immediately started to cry and told him no. I told him that everyone in my past is in my past for a reason. I want to erase everything I did in my past and meet someone new who will acknowledge me and not my past. After stating this, he started questioning my statement, and I told him I want to start over with everything with my baby. In this new life, a new state, just new everything. I didn't want to look back because I felt like the past should stay where it is.

During my 21 fast, that same conversation kept coming up in my head, and I kept trying to figure out why. Why is this relevant months later? Welp, one night I found out the answer. My past is who I am. The thing that created me is what I was running from. I will never start brand new because my strength and scars came from the battles that I went through. It does not matter how bad things used to look in my past or how bruised my skin may look. I have to understand that if it weren't for the fight that I put up in my past, my future would not be the same. My past will never truly disappear. I have to keep using it and know that it does not matter how bad things may look. It will always get better. At this point, I realized that the main thing that I was running from is the main thing that I needed to move to my next adventure. I was running away from the main thing that had all my answers. I can say that we will never be able to erase the things we did in the past. We will never be able to change our reactions, our behaviours, or the people whom we met.

We can use our experiences to help us get through our future issues. During History class, one of the things that I kept hearing was that history repeats itself. It's up to you to take it and learn from it and understand which path to take the next time it comes around. Sometimes we might let the same issue stumble us down. For example, in a relationship, I go in with the mindset of fearing committing.

I am scared to commit to one guy for the rest of my life. As soon as someone is interested, I stop them in their path and let them know that I don't want to move forward. I used to tell myself that the right man will see past my bullshit. They will see past my pain and my loneliness. Sometimes when I start falling, I do everything in my power to sabotage the situation, letting my past insecurities take over what I desire in life—hoping that maybe that one guy will break in and realizes the game that I am genuinely playing.

Vee, It's after repeating the same cycle again and again that I realized that I was only hurting myself from what the universe had for me. I was trying to run from my insecurities, using everything as an excuse but the real thing that was right in front of me. I blamed everything and everyone else without acknowledging and confronting my real issues and learning how to grow. This year I had to know that I need to stop running. I need to stop using everything in my past as an excuse for why I can't accept what I truly deserve. I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to keep fighting without having to repeat the same obstacles. I used to tell people that I am ready and close the door in fear, but baby girl, your mom could see things a lot clearer now and is genuinely prepared for the happiness that I keep seeing in my dreams.