Its my reputation

Dear Vee, 

It's been almost three weeks since I have picked up this laptop and typed. I had so much to tell you these last two weeks, but I honestly did not know how I would put it into the right words. Baby girl, you are finally ten months olds. You are growing too fast for me, and somedays I stay and stare at you in disbelief. Who would have thought out of everyone in the world God would bless me to give birth to a precious little girl that is determined to take over the world. I am grateful for everything that God is doing in my life with you right by my side. It's been another tough two weeks, and my strength and determination have started showing. Since I found out I was pregnant with you, my feelings are no longer my own. These past few years, I have been going through an emotional roller coaster. I remember days when I would have a great night with the girls and come home crying my self to sleep. There are other days where I would be so happy, and I would wake up in the middle of the night debating my whole life. I caught my grandma in similar moments many times in my life. Sometimes you have to close the door and cry it out. Let out the frustration of life and the daily battles that and continue fighting. 

A few years ago, when I went to Haiti to visit your great-grandmother, I walked in on her crying. She quickly started to wipe the tears away, but it was already too late. I had caught the strongest women in my life crying. I walked up to her and smiled. I said, grandma, your crying, and she looked at me and said its always okay to cry. What's not okay is to keep crying about the same situation. Those words have stuck with me since that day. I have dealt with each of my battles with the mindset of God is about to elevate me to the next chapter, not understanding that each time I complete a chapter, the next chapter gets a lot more intense. I used to say that it does not matter how intense the chapter is; I will always continue turning the pages, but lately, I have been scared of the next chapter. 

This past week I had one of the worst anxiety attacks. I picked you up after work and went straight home to start our evening routine. We giggled a little bit, and I stared at you for over 2 min and out of nowhere, I started crying. I started crying for the reason that I will inform you when time permits. When I was in sixth and seventh grade, I had a few girls who used to make fun of me a lot. I used to be super quiet because I went to the same school as your uncle. He was popular at the middle school, so everyone knew me as his little sister. I did not want to start trouble with anyone, so I stayed quiet and to myself. When I started high school, I started getting involved a lot more, which opened up many different opportunities for me. I became so involved in high school that as soon I started college, the first thing I did was find out about the various organizations on campus. In my second year in college, I became Vice-President and President of different organizations on campus. Those leadership positions help mould me into the women I am today, it also helped me understand how valuable a person reputation can be. I have noticed how people are reckless with their personal life throughout my college years and how mistakes can impact their whole reputation on campus. I have worked hard all my life to make sure that my dirt stays out of the public eye. If anyone knows me, they will tell you that Stephania does not shit where she eats unless she is making a point. I am also a firm believer that if I have done something, I will stand by it. I have been in so many leadership positions that I double-check myself before I make a move. I always see myself as this broken caterpillar that struggled to flourish, and now that I am older and see my accomplishment, I am proud of the women I have become. 

My goal was to build an empire. Only I know how that empire is supposed to look. After giving birth to you, I realized that you are part of the empire that I am building. With every move that I make, I have to keep you in mind and pray that God continues to direct me while holding you in my arms. I have come to understand that every move that I make may impact your future, so as I turn the pages in my book, I continue writing while being mindful of what I write and how I write it. I used to struggle with the thought that I have to be perfect for the public eye and have the mindset that I don't care how society sees me. This week after evaluating a few things and praying, I concluded that my reputation is my reputation. The only people that I should be worried about is you and me. As you get older and start understanding life a lot better, I want you to know that you will make mistakes and sometimes fall hard. I pray that you always own up to your mistakes and not let that mistakes dictate who you are. Do not deny the broken chapters in your life because those same chapters are the ones that help build your strength. It enables you to fight battles that you never thought existed. Do not ever lose yourself trying to please others and know that even if the world is cold, always remember who you are. Your mistakes do not determine your character. It's how you handle it that determines the type of person you are. I have made several mistakes in my life, which I am not proud of.

I will never deny my mistakes, and I pray that I have the strength to acknowledge them and use them as a building block to continue to build our empire. As we build this empire together, I will help you start building yours while teaching the areas where I have fallen. My darkest moments will be the areas that I will help you shine the most. It does not matter what the public eye has to say because you will walk into your empire and fight your demons on your own with the doors closed at the end of the night. You can only determine your destiny and reputation. You will be the only one dealing with the issues when the public eye finds a new trend. Your life will always be your trend, so remember to be careful what you write and do not scribble the words as you write in your book. Be proud of each chapter in your life. Remember, the book is in your possession; write clearly and be confident with the words so you can always go back and read about how your strength was built and not be embarrassed by the words in the pages.