Removing the band-aid

Dear Vee,

My spirit has been on edge for the last two weeks, and I am not sure why. I can feel the chains holding me back from accomplishing my goals, finally getting detached from my ankles, but I am not sure to what degree. As you grow up, you will understand who I am and why I do certain things the way I do. When it comes to being a parent, I have my ups and downs on how I want to raise you, but there is no direct book on the perfect way to do so. I know that with the people in our village, our beliefs may clash on specific subjects. I pray that they will never direct you to a path that will cause you to self-destruct. I do pray that you can have a good understanding of what is right and wrong. I also pray that you take whatever someone tries to teach you with an open heart and open mind.

In April of 2019, I had put myself in this situation that made me discover something about myself that I never realized that I was capable of doing. During that month, I had someone who kept trying to go on a date with me for years ask me out. Something kept telling me to tell him, no, and for seven years, that is precisely what I did until April of 2019. At the beginning of the month, the guy messaged me and asked me out, and I decided to go for it. I thought it would not hurt to go on a couple of dates and see how it goes. At the beginning of the month, I went on the first date, which was not bad, so I decided to go on a second date. The second date was not the best, but his personality started showing, so I put my guard back up. It was always up, but this time I was kind of over it. This man was a few years older than me, and his perspective in life did not align with my belief. So I spent a week not responding to his messages or his calls. Towards the last week of April, against my better judgment, I decided to go one more date. I knew better, but I thought to myself that it would not hurt. Before I continue, I want you to understand that you need to always listen to your gut feelings. I call my gut feeling my guardian Angel because he/she has protected me from many situations that could have been bad.

During that year, my mind was running crazy. I was here but not here. I was doing events, taking positions, and celebrating but trying to hide my life depression with activities that only guilt trip me later on. On this last date with this guy, he picked me up, and we went to one of my favorite restaurants near my apartment. When we arrived at the location, the waitress was overwhelmed and confused. After being seated, it took almost thirty minutes for us to get water and service. I could already feel in my spirit that this would be a long night, but I was already there. As the night continued, he started asking questions about why I was not in a relationship and avoided him. With my better judgment again, I decided to open up to him. I told him about my childhood trauma with an older guy raping me when I was eleven, and even though I have been through a lot of therapy, it still affects my relationships with men. I informed him that I have a wall up, and I believe that God will bring the right person to help break it down. He let me finish telling him my sad story on why I pushed every guy out of my life. Once I concluded with my history, he ripped off my band-aid.

I use the concept of a band-aid because it makes sense to me. As a little girl, I dealt with a lot of trauma, so I decided to go to therapy to heal the wounds. In healing them, I put a band-aid on them so I can continue living my life. After a certain treatment amount, I thought I mended my wounds, but I forgot to remove the temporary band-aid to see if my childhood injury was healed. I was doing so much that I forgot the band-aid was even there until that night. After telling my story, the man looked me right in my eyes and stated, "When you were eleven did you go after the man that raped you because I know how fast you girls can be at that age." At that moment, I was in shock, and I froze. The only words that could come out of my mouth were "What." He then continued to say, "Your action probably caused you to deserve what happened." At that point, I was over the whole situation. I sat in disbelief and cried. After years of having a band-aid on my wound, someone has finally ripped it off and quickly reopened something that I thought healed. At that moment, I did not know what I should do, so eventually, I got up and went to the bathroom. I sat on the nasty bathroom floor and cried. At that point, I was back to that very moment when my wound was opened. Long story short, I got up and told him to take me home. I went home and cried for days. I was afraid to tell anybody in my circle because I felt like I would be judged for even going on a date. So every night when I got home from work, I scrolled through my two hundred contacts, and none of them gave me the feeling of calling, so I suffered in silence. Eventually, one day, this number stood out to me, and even though our relationship was not that close, I decided to reach out and have him listen. He listened to me without passing judgment and made me realized that I never truly healed my wound. After talking to him, I opened up to some of my close circles, and they helped me through the crying and self-blame. After a few discussions, I realized that this was a wound that I had to fix on my own.

Many people walk around with all kinds of a band-aid on them, not knowing what to do, or many are just like me, forgetting that they even existed. I put on a quick band-aid on there, not realizing how bad it was affecting me, and it only took one person to bring me back to where it all started. I pray that you never feel the pain that I did as a child and a young adult, but I know for sure that you will have your own wounds. As I type this up, I have realized that with my past mistakes, I have already created the first significant wound with your father not being in the picture, but I pray that with time things will work out for you. I pray that I do not stab you to a point where I am not one of the numbers you want to call, but I promise that I will always be there for as long as I have breath in my body. I still have a few band-aids that I am slowly removing on my own, and every time I pull one, I feel like the bondage that I let hold me back is finally being released. My advice to you is to try not to be like me and walk around with many wounds but try to face and know that if I could make it through with so many open wounds, you can too. I gave birth to a precious baby girl, and I pray not to bleed on you in the process of healing my wounds but teach you the steps that I took to heal the scar without the temporary band-aid.

Be strong and know that it's ok to have certain feelings, and it's ok to cry when needed but always heal yourself from the past obstacles.