Taming the Inevitable

Dear Vee, 

Life has a very crazy way of showing you the truth and understanding the perspective of everyone around you. I grew up fighting to see the good in every individual. I grew up trying to show everyone that there is so much to this life that we could only imagine and touch. It's been a while since I built up the strength to continue to write to you. I made a promise to myself that I had broken so many times. I have so much to write to you, but lately, I feel the overwhelming shame that keeps taking over my soul. Every time I start to gain the courage to discover a rhythm to this thing called life, I get a surprise that makes me feel like I am not doing this right. I had always stated that in the process of writing this, I would be as transparent as possible with you. I want you to understand that I don't think I am there yet. I am not at the point where I can push my fears aside, look you in your eyes, and tell you the truth. Lately, there has been this overwhelming shame that has been taking over. This feeling has put me in this deniable bubble of what I do and do not deserves. When I first had you, I wrote a little something about understanding what I deserve in life. I wrote it and continued to read it over and over again. I tried to push myself to believe that I was reading it to convince myself that I genuinely deserved what I was writing. 

Viliana, I don't know how we can break the cycle or even better understand the concept of living what we preach. I want to push forward and follow all my advice and guidance, but my fears and insecurities keep pushing me into a corner. I keep trying to fight through some of these things, and I  have been going to therapy, but I am so used to the normal that I know how to fake it until I make it. I know how to fake a continuous sense of happiness. I know how to fake the smiles and push the insecurities that keep me from my true destiny. I tell people I know what I deserve, but I have difficulty convincing myself of what I truly deserve. In the last three weeks, I put myself in a dark spot that took everything the I once believed. I tried to push myself out of it, but I was tugged back down with rage in fear. It took me four days to control my emotions and better understand what was truly going on in my life. Finally, after so much anger being released, I took a step back and realized that many things were going on. I have so many emotions masked up that sometimes it is hard to tame the inevitable. I had this crazy dream where I was in a room full of people, and everyone was so happy and cheering that it looked like a fairytale.

The longer I stayed in the room, the more the faces changed. Finally, after a couple of hellos, I realized that I was at the "Knowing How to Express Your Emotions" conference. When the host got to the mic, he stated that he wanted to remove the mask that kept him from being honest with himself and others. The host removed his mask, and everyone followed along. As I stood up, I realized that all the happy faces turned into faces of shame, insecurity, and depression. Even the person who I thought had it all together broke down. I refused to acknowledge it and walked out of the room.

I woke up crying from the dream and begged God to tell me what he was trying to teach me. I asked God to guide me to where he wanted me to go, but I did not want him to. I enjoy this mask of happiness and not letting people know that I am genuinely hurt. People have done me wrong, and I just pushed them on the back burner. I have done some things to people that I do not have pride in, but I continue to move forward like it never happened. I know so much more than people think I know. I feel so much more than I put on, and sometimes it is hard to tame. Today I want to tell you that it is OK to feel. It's OK to be ashamed, and it's OK to hurt because these emotions are often hard to tame. People will judge whether you are happy or whether you are sad. Nobody will ever understand the shoes you walk in. People will see your feet and say those shoes are nice, but only you know how painful they are to walk in. The perspective of trying to live this fairy type life is the same thing causing the blisters, the fears, and the insecurities. I have this song that has been on repeat since the beginning of the year. The song states that you are not in my place, you will never understand my problems, and you are not inside me, so you will never understand my emotions. Today I want to push forward these emotions. I acknowledge that taming the inevitable is not my goal, but understanding that the inevitable can be managed is the actual outcome that I seek to understand and love. 

I will never expect you to understand, and I pray that these words encourage you. I am in the current stage of taking each mask off and facing it in the mirror. I am pushing forward with every one of them, and instead of not acknowledging them, I will continue to fight through it and use it as my armor to keep fighting the inevitable.

 

Written by your shameful Mom