Gracefully Broken

 Dear Vee, 

I am not even going to promise you anything. I have been slacking regarding these posts, but I have wanted to say so much to you but haven't had the time to sit down and express myself. It's almost been a year since I posted about everything happening in our life. You are about to be three, and I am excited about everything God is doing in our lives. The year started rocky for us both, but we have made it through. I don't know where to go with this post, but I am back. I am back to writing my heart out to you and expressing the things going on in my life with my writing. 

Vee, when this year started, I prayed to God that he would not make me his strongest soldier. I prayed for a very peaceful year because I was tired of things hitting me one after the other. I wanted this year to be smooth with no speed bumps. I tried to navigate life with the capability of seeing everything. I wanted to go after every and anything that was for me. I wanted to have this year to be my year. If you have ever read my posts, you know that never happens. The second day after making that prayer, I realized one of the things I wanted to happen this year would not occur. I wanted to give up. I asked God why me.

 January just flew by in a daze. I was here but not here. I don't remember much, but I know I cried a lot. I cried because I wanted something different this year. I cried because I was not in tune with what God had for me. I was so focused on everything I did not have that I did not take the time to notice God's actions in my life. I started the year with the same mindset in 2020, and it took me a while, but I had to wake up. 

Every year that passed, I have grown. I have accomplished so much that I refuse to give myself credit for it. Everyone around me was proud of my accomplishments, but I was not. I felt broken and did not know that every time I was picked up from the ground, I was looking at the pieces on the floor. I saw myself as the shattered pieces on the floor and crying out, asking God, please don't make me your strongest soldier. I wanted to give up everything I had worked hard for and run. I felt empty but spoke like I was full. I was reading my bible and praying. I was laughing and doing daily activities, but life was hitting me. I was on the phone every day and wanted to scream at everyone I talked to, but I couldn't. I could not let my voice express the words that needed to be spoken. I was too busy to notice the pieces being put together. 

In the middle of the week in February, I took your tablet from you and told you that you needed to sleep. I needed you to fall asleep because I was overwhelmed and needed to cry. I needed my tears to fall and moisturize my face, but you refused to sleep that night. You kept hugging me and kissing me. You begged for your tablet, but I just needed you to sleep. After thirty minutes, when I thought you were asleep, I just let it all out. I let everything go uncontrollably. So I was in my emotions that I didn't realize you were still awake. Finally, you looked at me and said, "Mommy, don't cry. It will be ok". That was the day I finally woke up. I woke up from the mindset of being stuck and shattered. I woke up from having the mentality that things will never change. 

We often pray in our situation, begging for change, not realizing that God has already put the change in motion. I was so stuck that when I saw the broken pieces on the floor, I didn't realize those were the pieces of insecurity, lack of motivation, desperation, and dead ends. When I dropped to the floor, the pieces that were not for me shattered. I am not where I was years ago and have been elevating every year, but I was so focused on the negative that I didn't realize that I was never broken but elevating. I needed all those speedbumps to give me the strength to become the woman I am today. I needed to cry to be able to wipe your tears. I needed to feel to understand what was about to happen next. 

So, My Love, I say all this to say that I may act strong, but I am far from it. I am shattered but for the right reason. I am broken, but only because the spoiled parts needed to be removed. I cry and pray not to be God's strongest soldier, but I am grateful that he refuses to give up on me. Now I am glad that he considers me his strongest soldier. 

Love, The Gracefully Broken