My insecurities have become my Brand

 Dear Vee, 

Life? Life is funny and has a way of making you forget how short it is. I wanted to type this post on Friday, but I was doing so much that I let the opportunity pass. I typed this post in my head the whole drive home on Sunday and got distracted by other things. I am currently typing this and begging God to help me remember that amazing post on Sunday. It's funny how I am at work typing and reviewing notes, and I realized that missing opportunities was what the pastor preached about on Sunday. God was moving in church, and I am grateful to have an opportunity to worship and better understand what he has in store for us. 

On Friday, I woke up a little nervous about the weekend and frustrated with you because you gave me a tough time that morning. I turned around, trying to stay cool while you went to get your shoes, and I looked up at the mirror in my room. Mind you, and I look up at that mirror daily because it's in your face. This morning I looked up at it and just stared; for some reason, many things in my life flashed before me. When I was in middle school, I used to hate a lot of things about myself. A lot of people knew my mom in the Fort Myers community. My aunt's husband owned a trendy restaurant/club in Fort Myers, so many older Haitian adults knew my family. Being a known family in your home town has it's good and bad. I believe I went through one of my biggest identity crises around that time. I was never Stephania; it was always this person's daughter or little sister. I was always just there but not truly present. By the time I started middle school, people had noticed me. Many of my peers started noticing my eyes and complimenting me on them. The more I said thank you, the more backlash I received. Some of the girls in my class would say she got pretty eyes, but she never talked, so we knew her to breathe stink, or I would get she was still fat with no ass. 

I will tell you, I only noticed most of those things in middle school. Many days instead of saying thank you for the compliments, I just wanted to disappear. I was ok with being quiet, but the brown eyes always caught someone's attention. I think I wrote about it before, but I was not too fond of brown eyes at one point. I hated not being able to defend myself. Besides fighting personal things at home, I was fighting insecurities I never knew existed. I used to cry and ask God, had you forgotten about me? Did you forget about me when you created everyone else? Yes, I had long hair, and yes, I had brown eyes, but I still felt like he had forgotten about me. 

Fast forward to this past Friday, I realized that the little girl who cried every night about God forgetting her is the very girl God created to be uniquely different and inspire people with every gift. God has created us all with our gifts, and sometimes we fail to realize that the gift we complain about most is the same one that makes us different from others. God gave most of our gifts to accomplish some of our wildest dreams. My eyes, my shape, and my smile were something that he took some time to create. The middle school girl is still here, but my mind has shifted not to be ashamed of my gifts but use them in every part of my life. I hope you never have to stay up crying, but I know you will have your battles to go through. You will have insecurities because everyone has something they are insecure about, whether they want to admit it or not. Everyone is fighting their own silent battles, but I encourage you not to let that battle consume you too much. We are living every day, and every day we have a chance to conquer the world, but our insecurities sometimes take over and make us miss half the opportunities that come our way. 

Vee, I can't tell you this enough. What you feel like you are battling is what you should be using to conquer the dreams you are scared to wake up from, the goals you are afraid to accomplish and the success you are afraid to touch. So instead of identifying what I think are my insecurities, I use them as my brand to accomplish whatever God has for me. One day I hope you will do the same. 

Love, 

My insecurities have become my brand.